Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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