i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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