I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
