Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
