I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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