im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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