The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
