Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
