Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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