I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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