I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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