I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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