Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
