I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
