I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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