He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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