I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
