Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
