My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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