I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
