It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
