I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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