Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
