Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
