you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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