it hurts more in the daytime
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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