I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
There's even glitter on my cock...
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