Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
