I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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