we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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