its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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