The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
