Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
