It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
