the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
