so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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