OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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