He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
