i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
