there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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