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I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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