1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
