my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
