i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
