Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
