it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
