Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
