I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
