she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
