That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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