note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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