overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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