I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
