Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
