Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
