god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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