Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
