onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
