I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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