A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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